Yes my loyal readers, friends and worshippers. My free time and anger have lapsed into a glorious new blog post. If you want to see more of these make me feel like these are worth my time to write.
It's that time of year people. You know…Christmas, which is what this blog is about.
***Christmas, and why I hate it***
Christmas has gone from a joyous occasion to turning into a monster of epic proportions more deserving of worship than the baby whose birth we celebrate simply for the impact it has on us as individuals and as a society. The last I checked the song was called "The Twelve Days of Christmas." We need to update this song. Christmas starts November 1st and ends February 11th. The song should be called "The 106 days of Christmas" with such colorful lines as "On the 87th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 87 reasons I should get an abortion because of that New Year's party where we both drunk"
The sheer length of this holiday has made it impossible for me to take the Jewish people seriously anymore. When we were kids and didn't know how long Christmas truly lasted we were jealous of them for 8 days of gifts. Guess what though? Your holiday is really only 8 days. Christmas encompasses almost a 3rd of our year. However I must also give homage to the Jewish people, the Coca-Cola Company and the Catholic Church. You see, the secret alliance of Macy's Department Store, Coca-Cola and the Catholic Church are what feed the world's economy to the extent that they do. Macy's and Coca-Cola do their part in consumerism which the Pope and his team spread the propaganda of good will and generosity. It leads me to also figure out why Muslim's are so angry. They don't get a piece of the sweet Christmas action.
The term Happy Holidays has got to go. It's Merry Christmas. I wish I could say otherwise, but "Happy Holidays" is just our way of trying to say to the other holidays "It's okay, you never stood a chance. Now become assimilated with us or face eternal suffering." There's a simple reason for this. If you celebrate Thanksgiving, you celebrate Christmas by default because at this point they basically are the same holiday. A giant feast followed by a food coma on the couch with the TV blaring a football game. The holiday of greed and sloth which is why people give on Christmas to repent for their actions on Thanksgiving.
This next little thing..is just a musing I had. The Wise-man who brought gold was a prick. Seriously. If I was going to a party and my friend and I brought crappy perfume (for a dude by the way) and the 3rd guy was bringin' him some sweet ass bling I'd be pretty pissed too and make him combine gifts with us. I don't want to look like I got my gift idea from a Martha Stewart "Living" Magazine. It's not a good thing.
As a purveyor of goods at the Logan Valley Mall I have to listen to Christmas music…something else I've grown to dislike with a passion. However it's because of Christmas music that I understand the true meaning of Christmas. I cannot tell you this however, because in order to gain this knowledge I had to listen to "A Very 'Nysnc Christmas" and "Christmas with the Pop-Stars." What I now know...can't be put into words. The only way to learn what I have learned is to subject yourself to the same auditory rape that is "A Very 'Nsync Christmas" and "Christmas with the Pop-Stars" or to kill me and eat my heart. I'll be honest with you folks, you're better off going with the second option there.
Christmas day at home is a wondrous thing. If you have little kids over they want to wake you up at 4:30am to open their gifts. Regardless of when you wake up we all go into the same routine. Stomach through the disappointing presents we have inevitability received giving BS "thank yous" to avoid awkward situations and hoping for that one present that makes the whole day worth it. We also turn on our TVs to find what movie playing for 24 hours? A Christmas Story. I can no longer stand this movie. Watching it…once is okay but the fact that they play it for 24 hours just sickens me. If I have to see this movie one more time I'll shoot MY eye out.
Overall…Christmas. You may be Levi's and my Mistress but I still hate you as a holiday. You've become more of a monster than anything else. This is a period of life where we are willing to kill to get that last toy on the shelf for junior or try to find the perfect gift for that special someone to get some Christmas Time Action. In either case… go about celebrating Christmas the same way you always would. It can't be stopped. It won't be stopped. But I will hate it.
