Turn My Turbines 012 : Christmas

First off, no, TMT 011 will not be posted here out of laziness.

Yes my loyal readers, friends and worshippers. My free time and anger have lapsed into a glorious new blog post. If you want to see more of these make me feel like these are worth my time to write.

It's that time of year people. You know…Christmas, which is what this blog is about.

***Christmas, and why I hate it***

Christmas has gone from a joyous occasion to turning into a monster of epic proportions more deserving of worship than the baby whose birth we celebrate simply for the impact it has on us as individuals and as a society. The last I checked the song was called "The Twelve Days of Christmas." We need to update this song. Christmas starts November 1^st and ends February 11^th. The song should be called "The 106 days of Christmas" with such colorful lines as "On the 87^th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 87 reasons I should get an abortion because of that New Year's party where we both drunk"

The sheer length of this holiday has made it impossible for me to take the Jewish people seriously anymore. When we were kids and didn't know how long Christmas truly lasted we were jealous of them for 8 days of gifts. Guess what though? Your holiday is really only 8 days. Christmas encompasses almost a 3^rd of our year. However I must also give homage to the Jewish people, the Coca-Cola Company and the Catholic Church. You see, the secret alliance of Macy's Department Store, Coca-Cola and the Catholic Church are what feed the world's economy to the extent that they do. Macy's and Coca-Cola do their part in consumerism which the Pope and his team spread the propaganda of good will and generosity. It leads me to also figure out why Muslim's are so angry. They don't get a piece of the sweet Christmas action.

The term Happy Holidays has got to go. It's Merry Christmas. I wish I could say otherwise, but "Happy Holidays" is just our way of trying to say to the other holidays "It's okay, you never stood a chance. Now become assimilated with us or face eternal suffering." There's a simple reason for this. If you celebrate Thanksgiving, you celebrate Christmas by default because at this point they basically are the same holiday. A giant feast followed by a food coma on the couch with the TV blaring a football game. The holiday of greed and sloth which is why people give on Christmas to repent for their actions on Thanksgiving.

This next little thing..is just a musing I had. The Wise-man who brought gold was a prick. Seriously. If I was going to a party and my friend and I brought crappy perfume (for a dude by the way) and the 3^rd guy was bringin' him some sweet ass bling I'd be pretty pissed too and make him combine gifts with us. I don't want to look like I got my gift idea from a Martha Stewart "Living" Magazine. It's not a good thing.

As a purveyor of goods at the Logan Valley Mall I have to listen to Christmas music…something else I've grown to dislike with a passion. However it's because of Christmas music that I understand the true meaning of Christmas. I cannot tell you this however, because in order to gain this knowledge I had to listen to "A Very 'Nysnc Christmas" and "Christmas with the Pop-Stars." What I now know...can't be put into words. The only way to learn what I have learned is to subject yourself to the same auditory rape that is "A Very 'Nsync Christmas" and "Christmas with the Pop-Stars" or to kill me and eat my heart. I'll be honest with you folks, you're better off going with the second option there.

Christmas day at home is a wondrous thing. If you have little kids over they want to wake you up at 4:30am to open their gifts. Regardless of when you wake up we all go into the same routine. Stomach through the disappointing presents we have inevitability received giving BS "thank yous" to avoid awkward situations and hoping for that one present that makes the whole day worth it. We also turn on our TVs to find what movie playing for 24 hours? A Christmas Story. I can no longer stand this movie. Watching it…once is okay but the fact that they play it for 24 hours just sickens me. If I have to see this movie one more time I'll shoot MY eye out.

Overall…Christmas. You may be Levi's and my Mistress but I still hate you as a holiday. You've become more of a monster than anything else. This is a period of life where we are willing to kill to get that last toy on the shelf for junior or try to find the perfect gift for that special someone to get some Christmas Time Action. In either case… go about celebrating Christmas the same way you always would. It can't be stopped. It won't be stopped. But I will hate it.

Merry Christmas, you filth animal.

Turn My Turbines 010 : Ghost Rider

Recently I saw Ghost Rider starring Nicholas Cage... I could end my blog there but I'll go into more detail. Here's what Turns My Turbines about Ghost Rider.

First off, Nicholas Cage doesn't make a good super hero. He hardly makes a good actor. He spent the majority of the movie looking more perplexed than Keanu Reeves did throughout the Matrix trilogy. Which brings me to my second point. Anyone ever notice that their striking similarity on seemingly having no actually idea of their current location, surroundings or who they are talking to? I believe that Nicholas cage is the father of Keanu Reeves. They should've gotten Arnold Schwarzenegger to star in the movie. California needs a break from his governating anyways. I've said this before and I'll say it again. People who are lacking basic perception of reality should not under any circumstances real or fake be given super powers.

The Ghost Rider powers themselves. Every time he used his special little power I was reminded of how casually characters like Goku and Vegeta could go Super Saiyan late into the Dragon Ball Z series. Unless you can transform into something like the Hulk, super powers should be powers, not transformations that make your head look small and your shoulders huge. If he was all bones wouldn't his pants fall down? Also it would be harder to stay together without any muscle. I don't think the supernatural quite covers those areas so someone should probably fix that. Another thing about Ghost Rider that I don't like. Why is it that the people with these craptacular powers only physically age to a certain point. I won't mention names but a semi key character in the film aging over 150 years only looks about 70ish. I understand these powers grant you immortality as long as you possess them but he should still look older than Palpatine. Also, if the price for these powers is your soul and you become immortal anyways doesn't that defeat the purpose of having to sell your soul in the first place. Nice work, Satan you really drive a hard bargain.

My last gripe with this film was the overall presentation or lack of it. Back to the Future had better special effects. Seriously it looked like computer generated clay animation also known as Gumby. Ooo real scary there. Evil Gumby. The dialog was just awful. Shitty puns, shittier quotes. They were about as funny as the short lived sitcom Andy Richter Controls the Universe and wanted to come up with the next over popular super hero movie quote to replace "With great power comes great responsibility". I have a great power. To tear shitty movies and things that piss me off apart. It's my responsibility to deliver my opinion to you. They failed miserably to amuse me in any way, shape, or form. In fact, I'm almost grateful those kids in front of us were such bastards because it distracted me from how bad the movie was.

Looking for a movie to see? If you're thinking about Ghost Rider just flush your money down the toilet. Saves you the time and I guarantee it's more entertaining. But if you're in the mood for a good movie I recommend Pan's Labyrinth.

Turn My Turbines 009 : Movie Theaters Experiences

Ladies and gents. I have a special rant for you tonight. 2 for the blog of 1.

Ah the movie theater. Sticky Floors, grotesque prices, and strangers sitting in your vicinity. Despite these awful things many people still enjoy the silver screen. It can be a good thing. Going to a movie after the hype dies down and having the theater virtually to yourself is great. But there are things that can completely ruin the experience for you. While going to see the new Marvel comic book film "Ghost Rider" these are some of the inconveniences I ran into.

Tweens. Any movie rated PG-13 or under has them. Kids between 11 and 14 and don't worry as with my experience and yours they travel in small packs to keep strong. So I'm trying to watch the movie and they keep talking, specifically the girls as they sit between boys to make the guys feel more secure about their still blossoming 3 inch penises. My standard when dealing with this is the occasional Shut the fuck up. However they wouldn't stop so I told the kid to put his dick in her mouth to keep her quiet. To which we were all called "faggots". I have to say, terms like that really get me. So original. So full of malice and scorn. He really showed me who the boss was... but I digress. The movie went on and after another little round of them talking and me telling them to shut their mouths the one xcore 13 year old starts yelling about how we're a bunch of fags and he'll kick our asses. At this point though he's practically yelling and making himself look like a huge ass in a rather crowed movie theater. Folks if you have to see a movie rated PG-13 or under see it at a later showing, around 10 or so or just wait a few weeks. You could just be like me and download the movie. The quality will be a bit questionable but for the price of nothing and the lack of little immature shit stains ruining my theater time it's worth it.

Guys with booming voices on cell phones. About 3/4s into the movie some prick about 5 seats to my right gets a phone call... Now I know to most people those "please turn off all cell phones" signs mean nothing but I do. I turn mine off. I don't want disturbed when I'm watching a movie. So his phone rings and of course rather than silence it like a normal person he answers. This is one of those guys with virtually no inside voice. Even though he was trying to whisper it was more like quiet yelling. It's never okay to talk on a cell phone during a movie. Texting is alright when done in moderation but if you're phone makes a cute little noise every time you get a text I will take your phone from you and whip it down the aisle because you'll never find it until the movie ends, the lights are on and everyone else has left. By then of course someone will have either picked it up, stepped on it or just thrown it away.

This last one I can't fully call but having dealt with it before I feel it's important to include it now. I heard several noises during the movie dealing with sloshing and wetness in general. It is my belief that 2 people either fornicated or the guy got head in a crowded theater. Way to charm the ladies. Seriously it shows both you and your girl of choice have class. Simple solution for this. Rent a movie. Stay at home. Do that in privacy. Paying that much money for tickets, popcorn and a drink and then getting head is practically prostitution on the girls part and the movie theaters part. Stop exploiting movie theaters now. However I'm a bit more lenient on the exploitation of women. There is no real way to deal with this problem unless you move and go sit with them until they stop or leave but I wouldn't suggest that.

3 ways to increase a pleasurable trip to the local theatre.

1. See rated R movies, or see lesser rated movies at later times

2. Do you part as a good customer. Turn off your phone and leave your lube in the car. You won't be needing it here

3. It is your job as not only a patron but as a fellow movie goer to stop any asshole activity in the vicinity. Whether by hitting a 12 year old in the back of the head, or by telling the guy on his phone to hang up or shut up.

Turn My Turbines 008 : Blue Collar Comedy

Here's your sign. You might be a redneck. Git 'er done. We've heard them and I'm fuckin sick of them. Here's why Blue Collar Comedy Turns My Turbines.

There are so many things wrong with this it isn't funny. Just like the Dixie Chicks they've lost their roots and sold out for several TV and Pay Per View specials along with their own shitty tv show, Blue Collar TV which is basically a Nickelodeon cartoon show aimed at adults. Fart jokes and immature innuendo for all! So who's in the Blue Collar Comedy routine? Well you're in luck I'm going to tell you who each person is and then viciously tear them to shreds.

Jeff Foxworthy, the ring leader of his just as ugly but less murderous bizarros of The Devil's Rejects. This guy has to be a pedophile. The mustache and flannel shirt give that fact away more than a 12 year old girl living on the south side of Los Angeles. Not only does your appearance offend me but your voice makes it sound pleasant to force batteries into my ears as far as they'll go in. We all know his famous joke "You might be a redneck if..." everybody loves it, trying to make up their own unfunny and unoriginal spinoffs of the phrase. Well I have one for him. You might be an untalented hick if your name if Jeff Foxworthy.

Up next is Bill Engvall. He is to Jeff Foxworthy as Vader was to Sidious. Second best. He's practically just Foxworthy's little bitch. The best friend of the big star. Always in the shadow of the just as untalented but somehow more successful retard. His long drawls on his family which he ruthlessly pokes fun at on stage leads me to believe that they probably hate him. I have a sign for you Bill. It's called a divorce paper. Expect one.

Ron White, to me is the only one who I can consider remotely funny as he has the whole southern gentlemen thing going. Well he did at one point now he's basically a burnt out, drunk gentleman. He did 3 Comedy specials but didn't want to be typecasted with Blue Collar TV which he refused to do, though he appeared 7 times as a guest. Maybe he's just indecisive or maybe there was just a big dick in his tater salad so he made a crappy call on that. Either way I'm waiting for the day he dies of immolation on stage from drinking and smoking at the same time.

Larry the Cable Guy. The worst of the four in my opinion. He's the kind of guy who in real life you see walking down the street and just think "wow there's too much chlorine in that gene pool" We all remember the box office bomb that was Larry the Cable Guy : Health Inspector. Which is he? Cable guy or health inspector? Neither. He's an unfunny redneck who, despite less drug use but no doubt more drinking can somehow make less coherent sentences than Ozzy Osbourne. Git 'er done, Larry. Your life that is.

Turn My Turbines 007 : School Shootings

This is my most insensitive rant to date.

Columbine.
Platte Canyon High School.
Red Lion Area Jr High

Just to name a few. Now.. at this point some of you are probably shocked that I'm about to go off on a subject like this...

**If you feel you may be offended, disgusted, or filled with hate towards me please leave now**

We've all heard stories of the kid who never had any friends in highschool. Wore a trench coat, had long hair, listened to Marilyn Manson. The pressures of schools social hierarchy system finally get the best of him and one day he comes in guns a blazing and starts killing folk left and right.. well lets take a look at this and why it Turns My Turbines.

1. Lots of ammo, low body count. This one just doesn't add up. You're in a building with potentially hundreds of not a little over one thousand kids. How do you only manage to kill 3 or 4 of them before you turn the gun on yourself? Seriously anyone who is trying to be a hero just cap them in the leg or something that's gonna slow them down more than enough to let you keep relieving your stress. This is just sad. Everyone was all impressed over the 12 kills at Columbine but out of the hundreds of people in there, amount of ammo and guns they had seriously they should've gotten a lot more.

2. All the wrong times. If someone ever wanted to shoot up my school just wait until the bell for lunch rings when the halls are so crowded sometimes I think people are just standing around. You don't need an automatic weapon to get lots of kills. Just wait til the hall way is so packed with people that if you fell over you'd probably get trampled and start opening fire. It sounds hard but remember all you need is practice, practice, practice.

3. The administrations just sit around on their ass and say they did all they could to prevent this type of thing. Now that's just bullshit. Most highschool officials want to believe they live in a utopia where all students are just dandy and kind to one another...no. If they see alarming behavior from a student don't you think it's important to confront them or their family before anything can happen? Most shooters are rich white kids in upper suburbia anyways, their yuppie moms and dads would be happy to help out.

4. Video games =/= Violence. Video games cannot possibly induce violence. If they did the kids shooting up the schools would be getting 20 or 30 "frags" (gamer term for kill) before they ended up running out of lives and health refills. This is a bullshit theory for attacks like this, get rid of it.

5. Heavy metal = killing? No. Another unsubstantiated theory that was brought about by the hatred for all things black in the 90s by the per verbal anti Christ of all things liberal, Joseph Lieberman. The same guy who tried to pin the problem on video games because god forbid he blame who parents, policies or the school. Rap lyrics are far more violent than metal lyrics.

School shootings. Do them right or don't do them at all. Leave notes, leave reasons because honestly we know you're troubled the sad part is most people just don't care and if you feel the only way to get your message across is by killing another human then please, seek help. Taking the lives of others is just selfish. You won't feel any better because you either regret it forever or die on the scene.

Turn My Turbines 006 : Kids

Kids.

Heelies kids. You can't discipline a heelies child you see in public in any manner short of tripping them so they fall and crack a few teeth. But god forbid you do that or their parents come running up to you waving hands and screaming OH MY GOD YOU HURT MY BABY! I was in Target and a kid comes zooming down the aisle on his heelies. Clips my arm slightly which annoys the piss out of me. I don't like smelly, sticky little kids touching me in any way. I can hardly stand it when they stare at me. What really got me going was when her mom demanded I apologize for almost knocking her son over. I told her no because he shouldn't even be skating in the store because it's against the rules and if she wants I can go get an employee to back me up. She huffs off with her kid and I smile as I go buy something for a certain somebody for Valentine's Day.

Loud kids are just as bad. There is nothing worse than being in a movie theater and having the brats behind you talk every other scene and of course "they're only kids" according to the parents when you try to get them to shut up. I understand you want a family outing but leave the kids at home if you know they can't keep their fucking mouths shut thus ruining the film for myself and other patrons.

Oh here's another one for you soon to be mommies and daddies out there. If your son or daughter has a handheld game system such as a Nintendo DS or PSP and wants to bring it into a restaurant tell that little bastard to either turn the volume off or bring headphones because the next time I have to eat my meal to the tune of Super Mario Brothers I'm going to take the toy from him and throw it away. Honestly I don't go to Perkins to listen to someone else play a video game. If I wanted to listen to the sounds of Grand Theft Auto I'd play it myself.

Maturity Freaks. These are the worst in my opinion. These are the 11 and 12 year olds who act like their 23 years old. Reminds me of the one little girl in my neighborhood. She wears big sunglasses and talks outside on her parent's cordless phone for hours while making bitchy looks at cars that go by. I wonder if she's even talking to anyone or not . Just enjoy being a kid while you can because really, being older may kick ass but once you hit a certain age there are certain things you just don't do anymore.

It’s not just the kids. No, it’s the parents to. In particular moms. You try to teach your children to be responsible but you never take responsibility for the shitty behavior of your kids in public because you’re so use to them acting like assholes you just try to justify it. Yes kids will be kids, but you have to be a parent. I don’t care if you make them cry or upset them so they throw a tantrum. Being lax in public so your devil spawn can take out his frustration on everybody around him isn’t the way to go. Besides haven’t any of you pricks ever heard of a babysitter?

Join me again soon for another segment of Turn My Turbines. Comments and suggestions greatly appreciated.

Turn My Turbines 005 : Pepsi Blue and other marketing failures I enjoyed

We all know of these crazy ideas the big companies come up with. The ideas to keep their marketing "fresh" and "hip" some of them are just awful but others are great that were nay sayed by the general majority. It just turns my turbines that these great products are no longer being made and sold to the American public.

Pepsi Blue for example. I loved that stuff. I'm probably going to buy a bottle on Ebay to drink. You have Pepsi. Pepsi is great. Not as great as coke, but still pretty good. The color blue. That's just a great color in general. Traditionally associated with boys, crips and the ocean. But it's fruity taste wasn't liked by many because it wasn't being sold in the right locations. Keep this in areas where gangs and water are abundant. California, Florida, any coast line basically. Send it to inner cities, all boys schools, send it to the local Sheetz and BCO Mart for my purchasing and consuming enjoyment. Just bring this fruity, berry, delicious beverage back to the market or at least sell it through your company as a special order even if it costs extra. I will pay an unreasonable price for this. It's my god given right as an American consumer.

Another fantastic idea that fell through was Heinz EZ Squirt. You remember this stuff right? Colored ketchup? Blastin' Green, Funky Purple and Stellar Blue. They even made mystery rainbow bottles with the colors pink, teal and orange. You didn't know what color you got until you squirted it onto something. This was a fucking amazing idea that appealed to kids my age when it came out but adults were often too disgusted by the fact that it looked different so they wouldn't get it. Didn't they learn from the 60s? Never judge anything by it's color. It leads me to believe that the false colors of Heinz ketchup brought out the true racist colors in America's Baby Boomer parents. Bring this back, your target age group is now old enough to purchase this on their own and we will. Red is a communist color and I'm an American and I don't need no commie colors on my freedom fries, or else the terrorists win.

Dr. Pepper Red Fusion. Cherry Dr. Pepper. What was wrong with this? There are varieties of Dr. pepper with more add on flavors than actual ingredients. (Black Cherry Vanilla, Mint, Pineapple, Zebra Dr. Pepper, a popular version of Dr. Pepper in Africa and the southern United States). Shame on the American public for not supporting this awesome drink because it was red and shame on the people who make this for pussying out so soon on what could've been a fine, fine product.

Sierra Mist Cranberry Blast. Where the FUCK is this stuff. Like the holiday hawk, comes around once a year then it's gone. I searched high and low at my local Martin's and Walmart for this and couldn't find it. Not a marketing failure but an elusive soda that I want to try.

Pepsi Holiday Spice. Quite possibly the best variant of Pepsi my mouth has ever had the grace of tasting. It was delicious cola with a hint of ginger and cinnamon. Only sold for 8 weeks in 2004. I cannot believe this didn't become as much of a holiday tradition as eating more than you should and passing out on the couch or watching your enamored uncle hit on your aunt's sister. There is a reason the Thanksgiving and Christmas of 2004 hold a special place in my heart and taste buds and this is it.

Yeah some things just aren't meant to be I guess but if these companies were smart they would specially make these forgotten products for their loyal customers who actually enjoy them even if it does cost extra they could make some money off of it. Kudos, comments and suggestions appreciated.